Sigh. I think I was snappy last night about training

I feel like this is a bit of a confessional post. I am very comfortable with being assertive, I don't shy away from confrontation and I am comfortable with pretty much anything and everything someone can through at me. BUT and this is a big but, that is mostly the professional me and a,most 95% personal life me but when it comes to my husband or my pets I struggle staying composed and as gracious.

So last night DH is running late at work and we have some people coming over - a friend of DH's and his wife. They have been away from the country for about 8 months, so they have not met Harley. They also have a almost 2 year old toddler. Now I have seen them with their animals and they have love them, but just in a different way to us, they believe in dominance and aversive training. I am not in anyway calling them cruel, it is just that they are kind of on the other side of the spectrum to us.

So they arrive, their toddler is miserable and crying, DH isn't home so I put Harley's harness on and put her in the back yard so that we can get everyone into that house and then I can bring her in on the lead.

They come in and I can see Harls is nearly peepeeing in her non-existant pants because she has heard the child. And she LOVES children. And here is one, potentially, of her very own.

Once they are inside, I fetch Harley, on her harness and lead and at the point her ears are not working. She is WAY OTT but I am able to stop her form jumping because I have her on the lead. I know this behaviour is normal, and even though it seems frantic it will pass and the aim is to remove the oppurtinuty to jump up and be too rumbunctios. Every time she has all her paws on the floor I praise her.

Then the husband takes the lead from me, and pushes her down and pushes her hindquarter to the ground, to force a sit. Firstly - do not take something from my hand, and secondly steam just came out of my ears. And apparently my mouth too. I took my lead back and said in a sharp tone "we don't train like that,, we use positive reinforcement only". Anf I moved Harley, who was still completely gaga eyed for the toddler, away.

The atmosphere was awkward. So I made an effort to explain how we train and why. I explained how Harley has been exposed to many types of children and really loves them and that she will be an emotional support dog in my practice next year. The wife made a comment about "How will this dog be a therapy dog". I bit my tongue.

By that time DH was home. And we refused to put Harley outside. The few oppurtunities she did have to approach the child she was incredibly gentle. But the parents kept snatching the child away. The child was as interested in Harley as Harley was in her but they were not going to let them meet.

We brought Harley's playpen out and put her in there and then the toddler was able to approach and they had such sweet exchanges, but everytime the parent's noticed, they pulled her away. The funniest thing was that the child would then cry and Harley would immediately sit up, on alert with her forehead creased and her head cocked. She didn't like the baby upset. I took the oppurtunity to make some comments about how Harley is super sensitive to emotions and doesn't like it that the toddler is upset.

But all in all I could have handled it better. The evening remained awkward. But if that is how it is, then that is how it is.

 

Oh dear. No way should he have taken the lead or shoved your dog about. He was in the wrong and it's hard not to be a little sharp in those circumstances.

Forgiven!

I have this with my SIL. My niece is fine with the twins around dogs but my SIL just doesn't understand.

When she comes round I say 'ignore the dogs' but she keeps trying to stroke them long before they are settled. Then Tatze just never settles. She doesn't like them but tries to stroke them to show she's 'friendly'

I've decided to leave Tatze with my friend next time SIL visits, it's just not worth the hassle.

.

 

I thought you handled it very well. Better than I could . Just feel sorry for their child. It looks like the child and dog would have been fine just the adults that were the problem. Harley will be a therapy dog so forget the passive aggressive wife. They don't sound nice.

 

You handled a horrible situation just perfectly. I don't think I could have "friends" like that back in my house ever again. Imagine if you'd treated the toddler so roughly! No, we don't treat humans OR dogs like that. Such a shame Harley & child were denied the opportunity to interact.

 

I think he was incredibly rude and I suspect I would have been much huffier! Good job Harley wasn't upset by his manhandling.

 

I think you did really well!

When I take Stanley to people's houses I try to be really respectful and have him under control - but if you come to my house you are in his house so you go with how things are done.

Don't get me wrong - I don't let him bound all over and I'd want him controlled around a small child. But I would never put him out of the room or anything, if you don't like my dog, don't come to my house. Simple. Luckily my friends all understand I'm a crazy dog lady and love dogs too!

My dad really pushed Stanley once and I was really really angry with him. He never did it again (I think he got told off from my mum too ).

 

Oh @Harley Quinn this did make me laugh .

Well done you. How unbelievably rude of him to do that. Also how rude of her to say that about Harley being a Therapy dog. Harley is still so so young as far as that goes.

 

Those guests were so rude. They are lucky they got to stay and be fed.

I think you said and did exactly the right things.

 

I don't know how you could have handled it differently? The friends sound unreasonable to me.
It's a real shame they reacted in that way to their child and Harls, the child will just have got the message to be wary around her.

 

This is me!

Last year a friend's dog took a dislike to Ella and the friend made a comment about Ella's behaviour. The end result was me taking Ella for a walk, sitting down and crying into her neck (she is really really perfect to cuddle into and have a good cry btw). I just couldn't handle the fact that someone thought badly about my Ella. I'm sure if it had been about anything else I'd have come back with a well thought out, nicely handled discussion.

 

Thanks for the support everyone. And you have all made good points. It IS our house and we have a puppy who is like OUR child and sheis actually very well behaved considering the circumstances. I understand that they may be hesitant having their child near a dog but this is not a feral fog from a rubbish tip who has never seen a human - Harley has interacted very gently and very well with many children but when the adults kept getting unbetween and blocking the interaction it made Harley more committed to getting the the child. That is why we fetched her play pen. And I had DH set it up right in the middle of the lounge so that I could continue interacting with Harley.
Harley is not an outside dog so while I will use the backyard to contain her for a few minutes when people first arrive so that I am not trying to unlock the doors with a lab on a lead, she is going to be in our house. Full stop.

As far as the man pushing Harley around, I think she is so unused to treatment like that she thought he was trying to play a game, so luckily she didn't take it badly.

But I have to say that watching Harley quieten down as soon as she got near the toddler was a very positive sign for me.

And very sadly, our part-time housekeeper's brother passed away today and she recieved the news while she was here. Harley is incredibly fond of her and visa versa but Harley's whole demeanour changed while we were talking about this sad event and she went to lay down with her head on the woman's foot. Kind of saying 'I am here, don't worry'. Geez she is a precious pup.

 

Oh dear! Next time you invite them for dinner, before you settle down for food, grab the hubby by his trouser belt and force him to sit at the table.... then before he eats, snatch his plate away with a stern look and a severe wag of the finger and say " naughty, naughty did I say you could eat?"
Or try method 2:
Send a sweet, self-deprecating note thanking for their visit, and explaining you are learning a different and kinder way of dog training, hope they weren't offended as this is all still quite new to you. If they would like to understand more you would be happy to send some information, in the meantime you are looking forward to seeing them again soon....

 

I think it's the guy who should be apologizing to you. Why do you need to feel responsible when it was he who behaved so badly?

 

That put a lump in my throat.

 

Machoism is very much alive and well in our culture so I am sure he thought he was doing me a favour

As for the wife, it seems to just be as she is, because she made a passive agressive comment about how untidy one of the tables in our lounge is - it is DH's creative station when he plays with electronics and stuff and yes, it looks like a birds nest but again - our house, our lack of housekeeping, no one elses problem.

 

I know MF, me too.

 

Macho is alive a well everywhere

 

You were fine, in fact very tolerant, I would have thrown a right wobbly. I also think you have a real cracker of a little girl in Harley pup.

 

You're kidding me! That's a pretty rude thing to comment on at someone else's home.

When we have guests, Quinn is around as she usually is. Keeping her away from toddlers and people would make her want to investigate more, so we do an intro, and the kids will toss a ball or give a treat and usually that's all it take. She seems a bit too interested in babies and their things, so I usually have a bully stick or something that she can take to her bed to give guests a break.

I would be very offended if anyone said anything bad about Quinn, and though I usually stay quiet, I think OH would def say something to make things awkward! Most of my friends would never, as they know Quinn is my "kid"!

 

Geez, with "friends" like that, who needs enemies! Passive aggressive comments from the wife and dominance from the husband - I know this is just a snapshot of one evening, but it doesn't sound like they're the kind of people who bring much to your life. I know you're the therapist and you know all this already, but friendships change and evolve and that's ok - maybe time to put that friendship aside? Ugh I just want to slap the wife, I hatehatehate passive aggression!

And a big paw five for Harley for being such a credit to you, both with the little girl and your housekeeper. She sounds like such an empathetic dog.