I’m in a state of total heartbreak that we’re actually considering rehoming our puppy. I’m not eating or sleeping and just functioning is getting harder and harder. I never imagined I’d feel like this but as the weeks pass, it’s not getting any better. Our whole family is so unhappy, it’s not just me, but I’m so disappointed at how we all feel and devastated at what giving up our puppy would actually feel like as the thought of it alone has me in floods of tears. I just can’t seem to think straight about what to do for the best. Im exhausted physically and mentally. I have a chronic health condition and knew a puppy was going to be very hard work, and it is, but that’s not really the issue. This is so far from what I thought it would be like and it seems to be so taboo to even consider rehoming. It’s entirely our issue. It’s not at all the dog’s doing. We researched for months, waited for just the right timing and found a wonderful lab. We spoke to dog owners who told us how hard it can be and we were still sure (although my husband was less sure) that we had time, space and lots of love in our lives for a dog. We took our time to decide but our friends are literally now (gently) asking if we’ve made a mistake because they can see we’re so all struggling and so unhappy. It’s been 6 weeks since we adopted the most beautiful lab boy. We both had family dogs growing up but no experience owning dogs as adults. My husband was really reluctant but our daughter asked for literally 2 years if we could have a dog. Over time I began to think it would be good for us all. I had no idea I’d be in the dilemma we’re now in. The puppy is amazing. He’s absolutely adorable, highly trainable, sleeps well, isnt especially ‘bitey’ or destructive (he’ll have a go sometimes but we divert), he’s doing well in toilet training, he has quickly learned strong cues, is good with our children and visitors. We take really good care of him and like him very much. Still we can’t seem to shake this feeling that something is just not right. I’ve been an anxious wreck since we got him. It started when he wouldn’t sleep over the first couple of weeks but that has pretty much settled down. But then it became clear he absolutely hates being left alone in the day - even for even a minute or two. He’s safely contained with a cosy crate and a playpen when he can’t be supervised. He’s exercised in short periods throughout the day, eats well, is great in the car, plays, loves to nap etc. But if he’s left alone at all for even moments and he can’t come to us (eg if we’re in the shower or at the car outside or need to go out) he barks non-stop. It seems like an automatic reaction. He just can’t seem to switch off and settle down. Stuffed kongs, fluffy blankets, chew toys, radio, ticking clock.. we’ve got it all. He either ignores a stuffed kong and barks instead or eats it and then starts barking and won’t stop until he sees us. I can’t keep him eating for 2 hours as a distraction and don’t really want to! We’ve spent 5 weeks now following all the advice on how to get him used to being happy alone and it’s just not working. No matter what we do, he can’t tolerate being on his own. I never imagined having this issue. We were advised to ‘let him bark until he stops, then go in’ but we broke down - he was still going strong after 1.5 hours and we believed it was not going to get better. We were then advised to just never leave him. ‘He needs you’, ‘he’s just a baby’ ‘this is what you signed up for’ we’re just some of the advice we got. So, we avoided leaving him alone at all the first couple of weeks apart from at night when he is mostly fine and totally quiet (11pm-6am). Its just hard never having a break, being able to leave him during the day, honestly. The stress has just built up and up and we hit breaking point a few days ago. My husband feels ‘we made an honest mistake, we’re just not cut out for this, he needs another dog for company or an owner with him 24/7’. The thought of him being in a home with other dogs or someone who is retired for example makes me feel so much relief. I feel like that’s what he needs. I want him happy! It’s what he deserves but I’m so upset because there’s hope that he could suddenly settle and then would we feel differently knowing he is quite content on his own and we can feel like we have some life back.. I’ve know friends’ dogs that are crated for up to 8 hours while their owner is at work - so why can’t our dog learn this too? Are we just not giving it enough time?? Because we need a breakthrough very soon or my husband is going to decide its just not working out for us. He likes the dog but he’s not emotionally attached. A Trainer asked me what it would take to decide to keep him and I said ‘if he was happy alone for 3-4 hours a few times a week’ so that we could just live life - but my husband at the moment feels like even if the dog changed and was able to do that, we’re just not cut out for owning a dog and we’ve given it our best shot but he can see the bad impact on his family and wants to find a new home where the dog is t being made to be alone when he hates it so much. We have a camera so we know there’s no improvement. The neighbors have been really understanding but it’s so unfair on them, and the pup, and us. I’m so shocked that there’s no improvement at all. In every other aspect he’s adapting brilliantly but the issue of not being settled when he’s alone is devastating us. None of the other Puppy behaviour bothers us because we can see he’s settling. The thought of never being able to go out and relax knowing he’s fine. Not being able to go anywhere or do anything that feels like having a normal life! Feeling on edge with a knot of anxiety in my stomach constantly because I’m mourning for my old life and as much as I like him and I’m starting to love him, I can’t face feeling like this much longer. Feeling like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel and ‘that is is our life now’ makes me cry. I can barely eat, sleep, cant relax, cant concentrate and even our children have said that although they adore him, they aren’t happy either. My husband is all but resigned to having to rehome. I feel like we’re total failures for not adapting the way we should. We’ve done everything we can and if we give it more time I’m worried rehoming him will just get harder and harder. I’m so stuck and I’m sorry this is so long but I hope someone can help suggest a way forward or share their own experience either way.
Hello and welcome to the forum. I’m so sorry that you’re feeling so upset. I haven’t any experience of persistently barking puppies, probably because there’s usually been an older dog for company, but I’m sure someone will respond soon. It sounds as if you’ve done well in so many other ways and that he’s a lovely puppy who has bonded well with you and your family, so I hope you can work through this.
Hello and welcome from me , even though it is in difficult circumstances that you are here . I`m not going to judge you or criticise , you got your puppy and I am truly sorry that you are all so unhappy with the life you have now with a puppy around . Pups are hard work, fact , and life is never quite the same after they arrive, but for most people, life is actually better , its such an awful shame that this isn't the case for you and yours as they really can and do bring joy . What strikes me is that you are stressed beyond belief because you don't know what the heck to do , and your puppy will be picking up on anxieties and stress , and in return he will be stressed too , hence the barking and anxious behaviour . I really cant tell you what to do , but what I would ask is that if you do decide to rehome him , please don't do it before Christmas , and please use a reputable rescue shelter . I do feel for you , we all make mistakes , we are human ,but really you must think of pups welfare now , and what is best for him as well as you and yours , I wish you good luck .
Hi and welcome to the forum from me and my little terror Stanley. Stanley was exactly the same as a pup. I couldn't even go for a wee without him screaming the house down and I too reached breaking point. I got a trainer out and he told me I had to teach my puppy to learn to be alone. This was done by building up the time he was alone by popping him in his crate and walking out of the room then counting to 3 seconds then going back in and giving treats and praise. You then built the time up. 4 seconds, 5 seconds, 10 seconds.. you get the picture. Once we got to about 10 minutes Stanley stopped barking and he could be left for longer periods. There is a link about it on the main site: https://www.thelabradorsite.com/click-for-quiet/ You've said you've had your pup for about 6 weeks so I'm guessing he's 14/15 weeks? He's still such a baby. I wouldn't be leaving him for longer than 30 minutes to an hour at this point anyway. He'll probably need the toilet and he just needs some company. And I would definitely not listen to people who leave their dogs in a crate for 8 hours - that's just awful. A dog should never be left alone for that long, especially not in a crate. That's so so bad for them. My dog is now 20 months and he can be happily left for up to 4 hours. Any longer than that and we get someone in to walk him and visit him. His crate is long gone and he just chills around the house now. I did at one point consider rehoming him, my husband wouldn't of dreamt of it. He adored him from the minute we chose him but I'm honestly so so glad we didn't. He's turned out to be the best thing that has ever happened to us. And our life is different - there are a good amount of things that we can't do anymore. And for the first 6 months or so it felt like our life was put on hold. But now he adds so much more to our life than he takes away - and I'd rather hang out with him than go out anyway. Puppies are HARD work. But with a lot of effort and perseverance it does get better. But if you really think it's not for you - that's also ok. I just wanted to let you know I've been there - and say it really does get better
If you are so stressed out and feel the best thing is to re-home your puppy, then please let the breeder know as I am sure they would have the puppy back rather than it go to a rescue kennel. No one will judge you, in fact it is better to return the puppy, for all your sakes, the puppy's as well. Having a puppy in the beginning is very stressful, I remember it well, it does pass eventually and you will be able to live a normal life again, don't make a hasty decision but on the other hand, your life is important and if the puppy is not for you, then it will be better for you both to re-home.
It sounds like everyone is stressed out at the moment - you didn't mention how old your daughter is and if she can help with the puppy? Small puppies are a lot of work, the first year, we planned our lives around keeping the amount of time our pup was alone to a minimum. She came everywhere with us, and we used friends, family (driving an hour plus to drop her off) and dogwalker to "babysit" so we could have nights out. It was not always convenient, and it was a source of friction at times with my OH (he was more old school, not worrying the same amount as I do about puppy being on her own). Work schedules were adjusted as well. I will say that my dog was not a barker, but a crier. She felt lonely easily, and I just allowed her to be with me. She settled in the bathroom while I showered, was in the kitchen when I cooked, came in the car with me when I had to pick someone up etc. I only trained her to be alone when we were going out, and did it slowly with a very set routine. I didn't love the puppy stage, I was constantly worrying, but then suddenly they are older and more fun than worry. She is now 2, and every single time I shower, she still opens the door to check in on me or lays down outside the door. They really do want to be with their people. @JenBainbridge has great advice above, so hopefully you can give it one last try. Good luck with your decision.
Thanks, it’s going to be a slow decision. Unfortunately the breeder wasn’t very helpful. They hadn’t bred before and it’s a long story but they probably wouldn’t be the best option for the Puppy. He certainly won’t go to a shelter. We would only rehome if we were able to find a very special home for him.
Thank you. We’ve bent all our original rules (not allowed on sofa, stays in pen whilst we eat etc) all out of the window so that pup can be around us as much as possible. It just feels we’ve tripped ourselves up by encouraging his dependence on us and as first timers, it’s hard to see how to change the situation. I’m trying so hard to hope because I wish we felt differently, I truly do. In the throws of this stage it’s really hard to imagine a grown up, mellow dog. It’s actually really helping to hear experienced owners say that it gets better.
Me too. I wish I could wake up tomorrow and feel differently. I don’t want to look back and regret making a decision when we’re so sleep deprived and upset. I know that pups change but it’s just hard right now to have confidence that we’ll actually enjoy being dog owners. It really is so sad because my head is saying “but he’s an amazing puppy and he’s so good in every other way!” but my heart feels like we are not adjusting well enough.
Thank you. We won’t make any decision until new year. Partly because 2 weeks is a long time in a pup’s life and if we see progress then we might start to feel able to push through, if that makes sense. And partly because I expect it will take time to find the very best home for him and we will not rush that.
Thank you so much. I will read the link and try the clicker training. He’s been bright as a button on training, I will see what we can do over the holidays on the quiet training. He is so very young and I think that’s whats making this so difficult because as parents we know how quickly things change for the better. I think we lack confidence and all we see at the moment is the restriction and then noise and mess and hassle and exhaustion. When your kids are in tears because they can see their parents struggling and feel guilty for asking for a dog, it starts to tip the balance because they’re our priority. And our health I hope the training can help.
Thanks for the reply. We do feel judged because we’ve been honest about struggling with our friends and they’re sympathetic but truthful enough to gently ask why we got a dog and the truth is, we don’t kknow how to answer that now! Despite taking months over the decision, we just didn’t know what the reality would be like. We will take our time and would only rehome if we knew with certainty it was right for us and the pup and the new owners.
There is definitely no shame in deciding that you’d be better off without a dog and he’d be better off in a different home. We got our dog Obi because it just didn’t work out for his first family. They loved him but he was too much, and there were also human allergies that had surfaced. So they advertised him and we got him. He’s happy, we’re happy, his first family are happy. For the first couple of years (while their kids were still at home) we kept in touch and also visited. So, do not feel that you have failed if you go down that path. That said, you might want to try one last shot which is getting a qualified behaviourist to advise you and work out a training program for you. This issue of being left can most likely be resolved. Whatever you do I would definitely not continue to struggle on alone. We are lucky these days to have professionals who can help us solve doggie problems - we should use them more often. You could have a consultation and after that see if it changes your minds at all. Then make a final decision after Christmas. But, like I said, if you have already made up your minds then don’t feel that you’ve failed. You haven’t. It takes guts to admit that you’ve taken a wrong turn.
Thank you, it’s encouraging to hear from the point of view of the ‘new’ owner. My husband is certainly of the view that it all hinges on finding the perfect home for him and that way, everyone benefits. That’s why we wouldn’t consider a shelter. I’ve been recommended a particular trainer and think I will go ahead and contact her to see if she has experience of ‘solving’ this issue. We’re not lazy Puppy parents and very willing to train. He’s already way ahead of his training classmates. In fact, training him is one aspect that I actually really enjoy. Which makes me think we do just need some assistance.
If you get your training hat on with this problem I reckon you could have a pretty good crack at solving it Definitely go with a trainer/behaviourist who has experience of helping people with teaching their pups to settle on their own and also with separation anxiety (if they’ve successfully dealt with full on adult separation anxiety then they will have very good skills that they can use to help you with your much more ‘normal’ puppy problem). Also make sure any training uses only kind and gentle methods that go at the pup’s pace. I’m sure you already do that yourself. Keep us posted on how things are going and on what you decide to do.
If you’ve had a trainer recommended it’s certainly worth getting expert help. @JenBainbridge has given some excellent advice, but because you’re exhausted and upset by the situation it would be good to have some one-to-one help and be able to talk things through too. He’s still very young and things will improve in time, but you must do what’s best for you and your family, as well as taking good care of your puppy. Do let us know how you get on.
So sorry your having a rough time. It is hard at that age - I was working but both teenage boys were off when he was that age - they lay on the sofa and dog pestered them all day - they were exhausted.He is probably not got proper bladder control yet and they do need out a lot more than I expected - they do seem to get to about 4 months ish and that gets easier. Got Nibbler used to us going out gradually by leaving the house regularly to supermarket etcwhen there were other people in the house and he just got used to us coming and going - trusts us to come back. He now has run of house - I dont like the idea of crates. If you need to rehome him please make sure it is to someone home all day. Don’t feel guilty.
We have had three Labs, two that we got as pups. We had a couple of advantages, one we both work from home, so we are here most of the time, and two when we got our first pup we still had a cat that had been raised by our first (rescue) Lab. When we got our second pup (third Lab) we had our second Lab. We did not crate our dogs during the day normally, but we did keep the pup(s) in a doggie play pen in the kitchen, and we spent a lot of time sitting in the kitchen, and letting them run around the kitchen when we could watch. None of our dogs were bad barkers, so we did not have to deal with that. You have to decide if you really want a dog (not a pup) If you really want to have a dog in your life in the long run, you either have to work through your current frustrations, or possibly re-home the pup and adopt a grown up dog. I think that being crated for 8 hrs is way too much. If no one is home, you either need a dog walker/sitter, or find a doggie daycare that can take him at least on some days. If he has had all his shots that is probably reasonable. Frozen Kong treats might help keep him occupied for short periods. At 13 weeks he is still a baby, and is just starting to figure you and the world out. He is likely to get into quite a bit of mischief in his first year, but it can also be a lot of fun watching a puppy grow up and figure things out. Most pups do adapt to being alone a good bit of the time. Probably yours can too. It sort of sounds like your husband is not really attached to your pup, and perhaps does not want to put up with the work and inconvenience of owning a dog. Cooper is sort of a velcro dog, when we are around, but she is very comfortable lying around waiting for us when we are not home. Tilly is not so clingy, she wants to be in the same room with us, but typically 10' or so away. I don't know if I am typical, but I can't walk by my dogs without saying hi and usually petting them. It's part of being a dog family.
