Regretting decision - struggling to bond with my puppy

hi,

I feel beyond awful to be admitting this out loud but I am struggling to bond with my puppy and starting to regret getting her. We’ve only had her two days and I did copious amounts of thinking/preparing and reading before we got her and I was so excited but now she’s here I wish she wasn’t. I feel as though I don’t like her and I feel very down. This is just me being as honest as I can. She’s been an angel thus far and not done anything I wasn’t expecting - it’s all me. I can only liken it to what I imagine post natal depression feeling like! I feel so ashamed of myself as I have previously looked down my nose at people who have returned puppies to breeder etc
My 3yo daughter is besotted with her which is making me feel worse as I feel pressured to make a decision ASAP so that she doesn’t get too attached and for the benefit of the pup.
Anyone else felt as bad as this (it feels worse than the ‘puppy blues’ I’ve read about)? I am struggling to even make myself remember all the reasons we got her
Sorry for the essay and thanks for any help

 

If you look in this Puppy Section , you will find another thread from an owner in a similar situation to yourself . I think many of us do imagine having an immediate close bond with our pups , I was lucky and felt this , but equally many don't , even if they have been longing for arrival day . Its a shock to the system , this little furry being who needs so much care and attention , nothing can really prepare for it and so it is sometimes resented . No one can really tell you what to do , unfortunately its only you who can do this , but make sure that you don't make a decision in haste, two days is a very short time , so maybe give it a little longer ?

 

A year ago today, we visited a breeder and chose our puppy. I then spent the next month preparing for her arrival and then the following couple of months in despair at what we had done. It’s all documented on this forum. The bond was slow to come but when it did, it was wonderful. Love her so much. Don’t be hard on yourself and please give it time.

 

Welcome to the forum - there are many stories here, as Kate has said, about the puppy blues. It doesn't sound as if she's done anything awful that's making you regret having a puppy, but just the sheer overwhelming experience of having those extra four paws and the responsibility too. It's definitely early days and worth persevering if you can, because once you've bonded you'll forget the difficult bit. It may well take time, but the rewards are to come. Do you have other people who can keep an eye on her to give you a bit of free time?

Keep in touch and let us know how you get on.

 

1. Don't feel awful I admire you for being so honest, if only more people spoke as straight as you did.
2. Very early days.
3. I didn't bond with our boy in the early days. The relationship was one based on need and naiivity on his part. But later on, we have become really good mates.

 

I felt like this when we got our first dog. I know that it was because the rest of the family was utterly besotted with him, but I was the one whose life was impacted most by his arrival and I resented it. It took away all of my freedom and I just felt like his servant. Things started to change when I was able to take him out, and again when we went to puppy training classes and I felt some responsibility for shaping his behaviour. He became the best dog ever, and I deeply grieve his untimely passing last month. Having just got another puppy I recognize the feeling again, but this time I can share the looking after of him. Accept any help you can

 

It really grieves me now to acknowledge it but I felt that in Cassie's early days. It grieves me because now at 20 months I love her so much despite everything she's put me through, and here she is now lying opposite me sleeping by the fire.
For me it was like post natal blues in respect of having total responsibility for the well being of another living thing, just when my family had grown up and become independent - well almost.
Then one day I found myself imagining packing up her bed, bowl and toys and handing her over on her little lead to a stranger --- and knew I couldn't do it, the thought of it made me cry and I felt so bad.
It's very early days for you, 2 days is no time at all, just take one day at a time and see how you go.

 

This time last year I had had Inky about a month. I had thought long and hard about getting another Labrador especially as I was now on my own and our previous dog was a family dog but thought it would be OK. I had completely forgotten what the puppy stage was like and there were lots of times I wondered if I had made a mistake!
I found Pippa's book about puppies by chance and it was very reassuring. I wish I had found this forum earlier.
I still don't always find having a dog easy but I think that is my training, luckily Inky is very forgiving and we start each day afresh!
None of us can advise you what to do but it is interesting how many of us have questioned the wisdom of the decision we made to have a puppy at some time or another and how we wouldn't be without them now.

 

Our puppy was hard work in the first few months, it’s very tiring but I can honestly say it does get easier. I can only suggest that you take each day as it comes and not worry too much about the days and weeks ahead. It’s lovely that your daughter likes the puppy, that means you are doing a good job in getting them to bond safely, and I suspect she was one of the reasons you decided on a dog in the first place. I got a puppy because one of my children was scared of dogs, this gave me a reason to persevere on the bad days when I thought “what have I done”. With a puppy you reep what you sew - so your hard work in the initial weeks and months will yield you a devoted and adorable dog in the future. For me, as a novice owner, a dog training class was essential and I would recommend starting one as early as you can. Meeting with other puppy owners was a relief from what is an intense stage in dog ownership.

 

Oh yes, if you search through the archives of the puppy forum, you'll find plenty of threads like yours. I suffered quite badly with Post Puppy Depression. The only thing that got me through it was this forum. The feeling of regret and despair started to lift at around 17/18 weeks, but "love" took another couple of months. My OH took much, much longer to warm up - 17 months! Now he's a big softy with her and has even trained her how to "speak". I found getting a dog to be a bigger disruption to our lives than having a baby.

This, absolutely. I counted down the days until I could start formal training classes. Just getting out there on a weekly basis with other new puppy owners is hugely comforting.

 

I had guilty moments of regret for the first month we (hubby and I) had this puppy. She is more "challenging", shall we say, than our previous puppy. She has a more excitable, dominant, and headstrong personality and when the first month we had her (got her at 8 weeks old) she was nothing but a little Tasmanian Devil, more interested in getting into trouble than us, and I seemed to have a hard time connecting with her. I was worried we weren't going to bond well. But when she was about 12 weeks old she rather suddenly started to change. She started to "notice" us, look at us more, pay attention to our behaviors and pick up on our routines. Now at 4 months old she's really starting to listen to us now and watch our body language. She follows me everywhere. She has become much more focused on us, calmer, more curious, and we are getting to know each other. I love her to death now and glad I stuck with her. You've only had her a couple of days. You're still strangers. It also is hard for young puppies to focus. They don't seem to care about anything other than running around, playing, and chewing on everything at first. In another month you'll be the center of her world.

 

Puppies are hard, full stop! It's not surprising you feel overwhelmed! You now are responsible for this little being and yes, your life has been taken over. But try to keep the long view in mind. Puppyhood is intense but not all that long in the scheme of things (compared to the looong childhood of us humans, for example). Try to not be too worried about doing something wrong and relax and enjoy the puppy when you can. They are usually good for at least one laugh a day, so enjoy those when you get them. The other stuff you just have to grit your teeth and get through - toilet training, training, chewing, biting, giving up your free time, etc etc. But you will get through it! Two days is very early, so don't despair. It will get better.

 

I'll add that my in-laws had the same feeling when they got their puppy a year ago. They spent the first month seriously considering giving her back to the breeder. Now they can't stand being away from her even long enough to meet us for lunch!

Don't feel bad if you sometimes just have to put the pup in a pen or crate and give yourself a break. Puppies will usually just go to sleep when you do, so don't feel like you're being mean if you just need some time to yourself once in a while. She'll be all the more delighted to be with you again when you let her out. Dogs, fortunately, don't hold grudges.

 

Yep puppies are much harder work than expected - what saved me was having a wee bed - just a soft mattress laid outside our bedroom door - the pup will probably follow you every where - when I needed some time out - which we all do - I went in there for a short nap or cry sometimes and he would settle down for a wee nap outside the room. My children are older so knew to let sleeping dogs lie .He still today will lie outside our room at weekends when I go back to bed for an hour -has made life with a dog bearable. Love him to bits now but was really hard to begin with and we had four adults really taking shifts at supervising him. So worth it though - such a joy now.

 

Wise words

 

I only posted last week or the week before how i am struggling. I also have a three year old who loves esme even though when she hugs her she could suffercate her. The constant pooing and weeing in the house, she is let out constantly and the washing of her covers are over taking my washing. I still have moments where i regret having Esme but I’m sure it will get better. She already sits and stays which is a good sign of training?

 

I am feeling exactly the same way, I feel such an idiot. We did plenty of research, read the books etc and now have a 13 week old Labrador in the house and I feel like a hostage to her. Wasn't expecting the constant attention required and sleep deprivation (and I've had two kids!). I'm completely freaking out, but it is very early days for us too. Reading and even posting on this site is helping though.

 

That is the beauty of this forum, it gives you a safe place to vent. And there is usually someone around to respond. So don’t hesitate to post when you need some support!

I will also say that I found a crate to be a lifesaver when in the midst of puppyhood craziness. At least when the pup is in the crate you have some control . While you only use the crate for short periods at first they are great sanity savers so if you haven’t started crate training I would highly recommend it.

 

Puppy pens are good too or an area where they can't
get into things

 

Pups are much harder work than kids - you can wrap a baby in a nappy, far less messy!

Luckily they grow up much quicker and the sleep deprivation is short lived

.

 

Thanks for the words of encouragement. Today has been a bad day. I am frequently tearful, not eating, not sleeping and feeling like I have made the mistake of my life. I'm afraid of her, for some reason, but also really aware that they are sensitive wee creatures and she will be totally aware of this and she will not like it either. I'm going to try and get some help, as I know this is 100% my problem and not hers.