I have a 15 week old puppy. I feed him, train him, play with him, cuddle him, take him out, basically everything. I am with him most of the day. He seems happy and well adjusted, content to play on his own as well as going out in the garden on his own. No signs of separation anxiety when being left for short periods. Yet, when my husband is home, he is the favourite, gets lots of tail wags and attention. More than I get when I am on my own with the puppy. My husband will play with him, a bit rougher than I do, and cuddle him a bit, but nothing else. Am I just more boring, does he spend too much time with me or has he just not bonded with me very well? I really want a good strong bond with him, but it is a bit disheartening to put in all the work and yet he seems to prefer someone who doesn't contribute nearly as much!
Not at all. Your husband is around less so is more exciting to the pup. My Keir is looked after by a friend when we are away. If he calls round Keir goes maaaaad with joy. He doesn’t like this person more, he just sees him less so his visits are more of an occasion to Keir. If your pup is happy and we’ll adjusted you are doing everything right.
I used to feel like this with my Stanley. I was exactly the same - I did pretty much everything, then OH came in and it was the greatest thing ever. I never got the huge fuss or anything. It's still the same now - OH is daft with him and they roll around on the floor etc. But I know now that he sees OH as his best mate, but I'm his mam. If he's sad, scared, hurt or anything like that he comes straight to me and will only let me look. He only lets me put eye drops or ear drops in. And I never really left him. I went away one night last year and left him with OH and he went more bonkers than he ever had with OH. It was the zoomies to the max. And OH was really upset because he's never gone that mad for him. I secretly thought HA! Now you know how it feels
Oh I know exactly what you mean ! My late boy was just the same , I did all the leg work but he seemed to make more of a fuss to other people ! Don't worry, he is building a bond with you, he is well balanced , well socialised and happy . Its just the same as a Mum at home with the children all day , then the door opens and its " Daddy`s home " and they all run to Daddy !
He may see you as Alpha and your husband as more of the playmate. I have the same situation, reversed. My wife and I are both retired, but she is the one with all the places to go and things to do. I spent 33 years as a counseling professional with children, and am not licensed in the state we moved to retire, nor do I wish to do so, since I have exceeded the legal limit of the number of horrible stories children can tell to adults about their lives(if there was such a limit). So when she arrives, he plays with her in ways he won’t play with me. I have discovered that I can change that a bit by letting her do the hand feeding, and taking him out at least 1/3 of the time. This makes him believe that while she’s still a playmate, she has a higher status than he thought. And as a result he plays with me more like he plays with her.
There is no hierarchy with dogs, the theories around Alpha etc was debunked years ago so it definately isn't this. It is because he's with you all the time and all of a sudden someone else has come in. I bet he would do the same if your neighbour or a friend came in. My girl gets excited when anyone comes round and I'm glad that she is happy to see and be with other people.
I spent quite a few weeks wondering if my pup actually liked me... she was super waggy and happy with everyone else but seemed quiet with me. But as others have said there's a novelty factor with people who aren't around all the time. And as time went on and we grew in understanding I could see the bond we've built. It's taken a long time but that bond goes beyond waggy greetings and is worth the world to me
I hope you don't mind, just picking up on your point re Alpha because I find this interesting. Now I am no animal psychologist, and more than happy to be corrected. I would like to mention the fact that the term "Alpha" originated from studying wolves, and the authors since have concluded through further investigations, that actually, this does not apply to dogs. When we think "Alpha" dog we are usually talking about some supposed heirchay which is dependant on coercion and dominance. Hence the dominance theory which is still bandied about in some training circles and is based on the above studies (ref: David L. Mech) It is not really a question regarding status. We can interact with dogs, but it will always be a canine-human relationship. Dogs build different types of relationships with different people, well in my limited experience! I have found these relationships are quite fluid and do change over time. Young dogs will gravitate to more exciting people or people they don't see often, even strangers can get more attention than us! I love the age when they have matured, and we enjoy a bond built over a couple of years on trust. There is simply nothing like it in the world.
You are correct @Beanwood, one of the major problems in the study was that the wolves studied were in captivity, in totally unrelated groups and under lots of stresses in an alien environment, where they competed for the best food etc. Wolves studied in the wild are usually in a family group with mum and dad and their offspring. There may also be some juveniles still in the group from the previous litter. There is no 'alpha dog, there us just mum and dad looking after and raising their pups. David L Mech has tried for numerous years to dispel the 'alpha' myth once and for all.
We live with our dogs, love our dogs and they us. Let's face on the quiet none of really bought into the alpha bs did we? It's not logical and really made no sense Id often just find myself grinning and thinking why do I need to do that?'. I just kept quiet about the stuff I did which was frowned upon years ago and guess what my dogs and me had a great time and were really happy. So glad things have moved on from these out dated ideas and monkeys can be monkies and doggies can be doggies and we can both get on and work towards a better understanding.
I remember crying to the breeder of my first dog that he didn't get excited to see me or seem particularly interested in me. She essentially replied, "Well, duh...you're with him all the time so he never has time to miss you, does he?" She was right about that - he went to work with me, and except if I had to pop to the store, he was with me 24/7. He would definitely make a bigger deal over other people - even strangers! - than me. He also wouldn't even get out of bed to greet me when I came home, either as a puppy or an adult. Just couldn't be bothered. But he was the most affectionate dog I've ever had and a serious mama's boy, just confident and steady. I like the way @JenBainbridge explains it - your OH may be the one who gets the play zoomies, but you are the mama-human and you are the one he'll rely on the most.
I totally agree. I don't think you have anything to worry about labbypad he seems happy and very trusting of you.
Thanks for your reassuring replies! I think I shall stop thinking about it so much and just enjoy spending time with him as I am fortunate enough to do so.
I can also chime in and say that I felt exactly the same with Harley. One of the things I liked about her as a pup, when we saw her with the litter, was that she was happy to spend time on her own. And that I was prepared for. What I didn't realise how I would feel like the boring parent. DH is the fun parent. And when Harls was younger it seemed like rough play and play on the whole was very important and valued by her. Now (she is about 15 months) she also seems to value cuddle time and her training as well as play - she is always up for a game. But now that she has bite inhibition and a teeny bit of sense when it comes to how rough she plays we can also have games that are a lot of fun for both of us. They truly are family which for me means they add to a family but they also fit into one and respond to the whole and the seperate individuals.
I am the main trainer for Coco. I am with him all morning every week day. I walk him on my own every week day & I train him every day. Weekends we are three. OH does the rough play & cuddles and Coco jumps up on him and it looks like he gets all the attention, but he doesn't. I step back and look at the relationships, Coco is far more engaged with me, because I put in so much more effort to our relationship. Like Harley Quinn, OH is the fun parent, but we work as a family. I am not the boring parent - I am the provider of fulfillment. Coco & I have an amazing bond.
Yes .... I understand that. Perhaps I should have used the phrase: “primary care giver”. The theories of the alpha were originally developed looking at wolves in zoos. In the wild, in family groups, there is no such thing as ALPHA. And of course, dogs may have been domesticated for as long as the past 100,000 years, and so are not wolves anymore Thank you for correcting my wrong usage of the phrase.
