I've written about my dad on here before. Let me just say I'm losing my patience with him now. I thought it was getting better but it's creeping back up again. He can go days without even stroking Nelly once. I'm not overly bothered if he doesn't show affection towards her, it's completely up to him but it's like she's not even there. I have quite a solid rule about being firm but kind with Nelly- I very rarely shout and the only time that I'm physical with her is with a nudge or a push down if she's climbing up onto the sofa etc. When dad is cross or bad tempered he takes it out on Nelly a bit. Tonight, Nelly was quite restless and bothering him and my mum on one sofa and then coming over to me, just trying to get on the sofa. I was patiently and continuously putting her down and saying 'get down' and telling her to go in her basket or giving her a toy. I probably did this 5/6 times. She then goes over to Dad and tries to share his foot stool and dad yelled at her a lot and really knocked her off and pushed her away. I hate it! Because I can't say much to him anyway, it's really hard. After wards, I said 'please don't shout at her again like that, or push her so hard' and he shouted at me and swore. I'm not bothered if he shouts at me I just don't want him to be aggressive with Nelly and to be honest I can tell that Nelly's behaviour changes when dad is cross, she just seems to become a bit nervous and doesn't really know what to do with herself. I believe it's alot like raising a child in an unstable, aggressive home- they learn from behaviour or at least react badly to others' behaviours. Any advice?
Wow....that's a difficult one. It does kind of depend on your own relationship with your dad. If you can speak rationally with him and discuss training and plans its fine, but if he will do his own thing no matter, that isn't going to work. Removing yourself and Nelly from the unwanted behavior is an option, Not ideal, but even in the best of relationships, getting both of a couple and possibly other family members singing from the dame sheet can be a real challenge. Do you have any ideas yourself as to how you think it would be best to deal with this situation?
That's pretty bad behaviour from your Dad. It doesn't sound to me like he's going to develop any empathy any time soon.... This is a big leap but is moving out of home with Nelly an option...? Just thinking aloud....
This is really tricky and I can see why you are worried. It's hard enough to be doggie mum when the rest of the household is on board, much harder when your significant other is at odds with you are training, etc and hardest of all if the person who is an authority figure in the house is not seeing things the same as you when it comes to how to train or live with the dog. I suppose you have to look at how much time and interaction your dad will have with Nelly. Are they home together all the time? Are you always there when they are together or is he alone with Nelly sometimes? If this is not a safe place for your dog then you will have to make some decisions, and those decisions might be very hard. Perhaps you and Nelly might have to move out. But if you can't move out then you will have to makes sure Nelly's interactions with your dad are firstly, limited, and secondly, supervised. Which I imagine could be tough. I do feel for you, please keep us posted as to how things are going.
You could say so (I'm 18 now though) I'm used to it. It's not physical and it's not obvious enough to others so I just get on with it!
I'm almost always there when Nelly is with my dad. I want to just say that he isn't 'abusing' Nelly. It's just little things but I guess like I always do I'm excusing his behaviour. He's just very unpredictable I suppose
We've recently moved house and are now in the countryside. I have no options to move out at the moment, I don't have enough money to move out. I'm just going to have to be strict with where Nelly is in the house. It's such a shame because my mum is such a star with Nelly, she loves her to bits and Nelly loves her! I'll keep you updated.
I don't have any real advice other than to say that it sounds like a very difficult situation and I think Lisa is right that you can try to make sure that you are with Nelly as much as possible and that your Dad isn't expected/asked to look after her - basically to limit his contact with her. If you concentrate on building your bond with Nelly and making sure that you are fair and consistent and showing that she can trust you, then I expect that she will gravitate to you as her number 1 person anyway. Is Nelly "your" dog or your parents' dog? If you leave home at some point in the future would she go with you or stay at home?
I think I'd do the same as I would with a grumpy dog! Keep your dog away from them by all means possible. ((Hugs)) it can't be easy for you xx ,,,
Is there any way you can speak to your mum ans her potentially convey the message to your dad? Its a rotten situation to be in, and I fear it will only get worse as she gets older, more playful and bouncy etc so you do need a solution. Do you work or go to college or are you at home most of the day?
Shouting a Shouting and pushing Nellie is a former of abuse. You mention that Nellie's behaviour changes when dad shouts etc. which means that she is reacting to it and from your comments is uncertain and stressed as to how to behave. I have no doubts that you love Nellie and have been working hard with training to make her the best dog you can but a dog, in the same way as a child, needs to feel safe and secure in it's home. Please believe that I'm not judging you but from an animal welfare viewpoint I do feel that you need to seriously consider how your circumstances can be improved for Nellie and whether sharing a home with your dad is in her best interests. Sometimes we have to make extremely difficult and heart breaking decisions for our dogs but their welfare has to come first every time. I sincerely hope that with mum on your side you can explain to dad how you are training Nellie and the benefits of using positive reinforcement methods. Perhaps a short term fix is to remove Nellie from the type of situation you mention by taking her into another room and do some training so she is more likely to settle quickly.
You say you don't want Nellie on the sofa, so perhaps do what I do, have her bed at your feet so that she can still settle close to you. Perhaps do a little training before everyone sits down in the evening and then she will be more tired.
This is a really difficult situation. I think it's a bit different when it's OH's clashing on training issues as they're on equal footing whereas you and Nellie are living in your parents home - and therefore have a limited way of dealing with it. My dad shouted at Stanley once and I just told him it was my dog, my rules. He's never shouted at him again and when Stanleys doing something my dad doesn't like just looks at me like and doesn't know what to do and I usually just call him over to me. And he's a big softy really so he just fusses over him most of the time. But my dad sees Stanley for maximum of 2 hours a week, if that - I know that if he was living in his house he would want some input on his training and decisions made regarding the dog. It doesn't sound like he's very reasonable so I'd just try and appreciate that your dad probably doesn't really want her around and respect that. Keep her in your room on an evening and out of your dads way if he's just watching TV or whatever. Because as Jyssica said, they get bigger and more boisterous before they get any better. So for Nellies sake it's probably better to limit the contact. Although you'll definitely have to make arrangements for when you're not around - because I would like to leave my dog with him when I wasn't there.
How about when Nelly starts to approach your Dad, or bother him, call her away to do some training. It's probably going to mean you don't get much chilling-on-the-sofa-time, but it will make your bond with Nelly even stronger & keep her safe from your Dad's unpredictable behaviour.
She's all mine thankfully. I pay for everything regarding her. In time I'm sure we will find somewhere to run away to together! Thankyou for your support.
I totally agree with you and I'm going to keep Nelly very desperate to him and if she's with him I'll be there too. Someone said about having her bed at my feet during sofa time so I'm going to do that. Thankfully Dad is out pretty much all day everyday, it's just the evenings when he's home. So, on an evening I'm going to say to him, 'let me do the telling off if need be and just ignore her if she comes over to you'. I'll let you know how that goes.
@Olivia__ my dogs are not allowed up on the sofas but always have a cosy bed to curl up on beside me and if you can arrange a similar set up I'm sure it will help - not forgetting to have treats on hand to encourage Nellie to settle if necessary. Perhaps ask Dad to ignore Nellie and try to distract her rather than have to 'tell her off'. Fingers crossed that you can get life more comfortable for you and Nellie
