Those days when the loss hits you

Discussion in 'Senior Labradors' started by Tammy Cooke, Oct 23, 2017.

  1. kateincornwall

    kateincornwall Registered Users

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    @Tammy Cooke We do exactly the same , we enjoy our memories and sharing them too . I guess everyone deals with grief in their own way , none is right or wrong , its what is right for the individual . I also enjoy looking at photos of Sam , plus the one precious little video I have of him too x
     
  2. Emily_BabbelHund

    Emily_BabbelHund Longest on the Forum without an actual dog

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    I'm having a tough afternoon today, so the title "those days when the loss hits you" kind of called my name. I was lucky enough to have had a really great dog around for the last three days (Bear) and brought him back home today. The empty back seat in the car (again) is very hard to swallow.

    I'm disappointed in myself that a full two years after Brogan's passing, I can still be so sad about missing him. I really want to get to the point where I can share good stories and memories (which of course I do a lot already) but then skip the "sit in the bathroom with the water running and cry for 30 minutes" sessions. It does seem to go in waves, though, so hopefully returning Bear just triggered a dip and my water mark will rise again.
     
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  3. CMartin

    CMartin Registered Users

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    The villagers ask me for Leão every morning. It is natural as they always saw him with me for our morning walk to town, as I've told you on the forum. Yesterday morning I really felt uncomfortable as when I said he was deceased the crowd that was there in the coffeeshop (the lady from the pharmacist, the bank lady, etc) all stared at me, or so it felt like. I managed to keep collected. Today same thing at the supermarket. Everyone says I must get a new dog. I know that, and that is what I am doing. Things are however not that simple in the inside of me. Leão will always be Leão. I still forget sometimes he is not here, like when I open the garden gate, or so. I am coming to terms with it.
    I cannot bring myself to watch videos of him. He used to have a petsitter who always posted quite a few videos on her site of Leão, I just avoid them, cannot look, it's just too painful, not for me. I have photos of him on my mobile, which feel awful when I mistakenly see them. I am intent to moving on with life, animals and people die and we're left here crying for them. That is life. And I am an adult, noone pities an adult, the world does not stop to give me time to mend. It all just goes on. So mending must be up to me.
     
  4. Emily_BabbelHund

    Emily_BabbelHund Longest on the Forum without an actual dog

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    People say that because they don't know what else to say. It is meant well, but is very tiring to hear after a while. You are right, people don't give adults the time to mend. You just have to go underground with your mending for 99% of the face you present to others. Hopefully you do have that 1% of friends who do understand.

    I also understand how bittersweet it is to have people ask after your dog. I live in several different places each year, so each move brought a fresh wave of people who expected to see me with Brogan. I still have the occasional person who comes up to me and asks where he is. It's a wonderful thing that they remember him, but at the same time having to explain that he has passed over and over is very hard.

    I do this too, even after two years. I always joked that someday I was going to forget Brogan under a restaurant table as he was so quiet and so good about staying until he was told to come. A friend of mine and I have regular Irish pub nights in Regensburg and she always brings her dog, who sits on my lap while we're there. As I hand Fine back to her at the end of the evening, I can never stop myself looking for Brogan under the table as we get up to go and thinking to myself, "I have to remember to tell Brogan to come out." The fact that he was never there to begin with is a real kick in the gut. :(
     
  5. kateincornwall

    kateincornwall Registered Users

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    @CMartin I really understand where you are coming from . I gave many years of my life , as a volunteer for the Blue Cross , on their Pet Bereavement Support Service helpline and so many times , I listened to people telling me that once the initial support had gone , people forgot that grief goes on for the bereaved . Our brief was to listen , which is so important for those who have troubled souls because even those close to us forget that we are still suffering , often in silence . We all cope in different ways , some , like yourself find solace in the impending arrival of a puppy , which is wonderful and I wish you much fun and enjoyment from him . Others, like myself don't want to go there , and that's fine too . Its whatever is best for the individual that matters , how ever they feel best to cope .
     
  6. CMartin

    CMartin Registered Users

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    Oh gosh Emily.

    I have had other animals, I've had a fox terrier, a couple of maltese poodles (3 all range of sizes), and a couple of cats, a hamster and fish, turtles and pet frogs. I did love them all. Though to be honest not even quite sure how they all seemed to disappear from my life, maybe because most were my parents rather, dunno. They came, I loved them and they went and that was that. Leão is a different story, totally. They say noone comes into our lives without reason. Well, Leão made me a better person, and a more mindful animal carer. Gaston will be the one that reaps up the work done by Leão. That dog trained me and not the other way around! Sometimes, while walking on leash, he would look up into my face. Oh that was magical. I have that "look into my face" saved in my brain.
     
  7. CMartin

    CMartin Registered Users

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    Kate. I do have some friends from work that had a white bulldog. They found out months past that the dog was blind. I have since read somewhere that white bulldogs to have a tendency to be blind. Well, it was them, their daughter and the dog. That was their little family. As we had ours. The dog passed away also young, and she told me she would never have another dog. As you say, they didn't want to go there.
    I felt this way like for a couple of days after Leão passed away, but the thought did just not feel right for me, it felt empy, I have to have a dog in my life.
    Just last Saturday I was sweeping the kitchen floor, (sweeping and vacuming endlessly has become a habit due to the shedding, you know what it is like). I was left looking at a very miserable dusty little thing on the kitchen floor. Hardly visible, hardly worth getting on to the spade even. What the hell is this ? Where is the big tuft of hair and dust, that pile worth sweeping and vacuming for daily ? Hair that would nicely fill out a garbage bag once the house was all done ? No, no, this is not for me. I need all of that back please. There is just an empty space to fill here, for me, you see, I am not whole at this moment in time because of this enormous gap in my life.
     
  8. kateincornwall

    kateincornwall Registered Users

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    Bless you , I`m sure Gaston will make you whole again .
     
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  9. Emily_BabbelHund

    Emily_BabbelHund Longest on the Forum without an actual dog

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    I absolutely know that "look up" while walking. :heart:

    It's a wonderful thing that Gaston will be the better from all that Leão taught you. He sounds like he was an amazing boy and while Gaston will be his own little (and different) guy, you'll build a strong bond with him as well. He'll fill up that space - again likely in a very different way from Leão - and be a credit to everything you've learned along the way.

    I wish I was ready to make that leap as well but in the meanwhile really looking forward to hearing all about your adventures with Gaston!
     
  10. kateincornwall

    kateincornwall Registered Users

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    I don't know about the days when it hits you, but for me the past couple of weeks have been shockers . All started when I decided to decorate the sitting room , which then made the hallway look dingy . Sam used to walk down the hallway , sort of rubbing himself on the wall as he walked , which left a very definite dark stain on the wall . Stupid I know, but painting over it was so hard , like I was wiping out the last vestiges of his very existence , tears dripping into the paint pot . I know it will pass , this deep sadness that currently fills my heart but three months on, its just as raw . Sam had a friend called Yorkie , a chocolate Labrador two years his senior , they adored one another and would often meet whilst out walking . If we were in the car and saw Yorkie and his owner , Sam would cram his neck to look at his friend and squeak with excitement so we would stop , so that they could greet one another . We saw them yesterday , and out of habit stopped the car , Yorkie got so excited and looked in the back for his friend . Little things like these are what brings everything back to the fore , but are also part of the package of grieving , stages we cant avoid . Will I have another dog ? I simply don't know right now , have to take my age into account , plus Nelly who , with her poor joints, couldn't cope with a bouncy dog but would love company for sure , as she still looks for Sam at times , as we all do xxxxx
     
  11. selina27

    selina27 Registered Users

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    Just want to acknowledge your post, I don't know what to say. Like doesn't seem appropriate :(
     
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  12. Pilatelover

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    @kateincornwall I also wanted to acknowledge your post, and send you a huge hug. When our boy went over the rainbow bridge I left a patch of mud splattered wall in the hall for 6 months. I too felt like I was wiping his existence away. So I’d say stupid you are not it’s a natural reaction. Harvey was technically our son’s dog. He said at the time he’d never have another one and four years later he hasn’t. He really struggled with the almost sudden death of his beloved companion. Each and everyone of us is different and do we ever forget our dogs no not a chance, time just changes when and how we remember them.
     
  13. kateincornwall

    kateincornwall Registered Users

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    Thank you xx
    I wrote this to let others know that they are not alone , that these saddest of times will spring from nowhere , knocking us for six and that its normal xxx
     
  14. snowbunny

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    Big hugs, Kate. It brought the tears back to read your post. That great hulk of a dog will be remembered for a very long time, by many of us who were privileged enough to meet him both in real life and through the forum.
    :hug:
     
  15. Emily_BabbelHund

    Emily_BabbelHund Longest on the Forum without an actual dog

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    Thank you, Kate. Your post makes me feel less alone, even if your loss is much more fresh than mine. I remember repainting my house for the first time after Duncan passed and going over his little drool stains - when he would shake his head it would go all over and then dry a bit yellow and was impossible to simply clean off. So it stayed until painted over and I too was very sorry to see it go.

    With Brogan, I didn't have my own house, so it was the car. I didn't vacuum his place in the back for 1.5 years. It was only last summer, after having so many different foster dogs in and out that I didn't know whose fur was whose that I finally cleaned it. One of my rubber mats still has a perfect Brogan paw print on the backside. I keep expecting it to disappear with all the wear and tear that I give the mat, but when I flip it over, it's still there. I know I will sit and cry when it finally fades to nothing.

    I also want to thank you for posting your photos of Sam lately. Not only are they beautiful photos, it just somehow helps to know that this is a safe place where we can remember our beloved pups. :heart:
     
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  16. Beanwood

    Beanwood Registered Users

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  17. ruth morris

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    brAve brave people,my heart goes out to you all love and hugs ruth and peanutxx
     
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  18. Tammy Cooke

    Tammy Cooke Registered Users

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    I guess like people have said, we all grieve in different ways!
    But one thing is certain here with all of us, we will never forgot our best friends who have passed over rainbow bridge! Big hugs to everyone. Our best friends will always be with us xx
     
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  19. SwampDonkey

    SwampDonkey Registered Users

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    It's funny I don't feel, I've lost him at all he's still with me I think about him everyday and he still walks with me. I can now think about him without pain and smile. I go through my life with and invisible cloud of creatures and people with me they are gone physically but the love they gave and I felt are still there.
     
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